saturday song: peer gynt, morning mood

i'm very excited to share this saturday song with you, as it is now quite a special piece of music to me.  during shannon's long day of labor we listened to a variety of music (owl city, she and him, bing crosby with rosemary clooney, and then, as it appeared things were getting closer, i switched my ipod over to a playlist of more relaxing classical music.  this continued right up to the birth, and for the most part it was just background noise, until right as Quinton was emerging into this wild wide world.  just as shannon was doing the final push, the ipod went to this part of peer gynt, called morning mood.  and i'm not making this up - i promise - that just as the piece entered its crescendo, quin was fully born and laid on his mother's chest while we all cried like babies (except Quin).  it was a beautiful moment that was given its own beautiful natural soundtrack.  the moment of his birth occured right around the :50 second mark.  enjoy!

a new defensive strategy

just an update here from the milinovich house.  the mighty quin is doing great in his new home, sleeping, eating and pooping (the big three).  his one set of grandparents just left and his other ones just arrived, so he is getting held all the time and if i had even a penny for every kiss he's received so far, i'd be very rich.  of course, not really as rich as i am, what with three beautiful sons.  the older two have done well with the adjustment so far, but i'm interested to see what kind of roadbumps we run into once the novelty wears off.  thankfully, this is vbs week, so it's giving them something to do away from the baby-kissing zone. 

just wanted to say thank you again to all of you for the many prayers and well-wishes you've sent our way this week.  we've been so touched by all of them, and feel very loved and supported as we begin this new journey. 

and it really is a new journey.  i figure that when you are raising two children you can run an effective man-to-man defense.  if one kid spreads green paint all over their naked body, one parent can work on cleaning it up while the other parent deals with the other child, who has just climbed into the toilet and gotten stuck.  no problem.  you deal with that one, i'll deal with this one.  we'll wash the towels and we'll be done with it.  but if you add another kid to that mix, who is screaming at the top of his lungs in a tone that would frighten beelzebub, who is supposed to take care of that child? 

that's why having three children requires a whole new defensive philosophy.  you have to go to a zone defense, in which one parent has to keep an eye on two kids while the other parent cleans the peanut butter and maple syrup off of the third one's hair. 

see what i mean?   so, we're honing our skills and studying our playbooks as we prepare for this whole new ballgame.  it's going to be fun. 

welcome, quinton

 well, christmas in july was an understatement.  actually, yesterday felt more like advent than christmas because it was mostly just waiting.  it seemed like everytime the midwife left the room she would say, "ok, i'll check on you again in two hours."  TWO HOURS!?!  C'MON!!!  at some point i resorted to putting my face inches from shannon's belly and shouting, "it's okay to come out now, buddy.  seriously.  let's go." 

i think it worked because, just in the nick of time, after a day full of all sorts of medical words that would normally make my stomach turn but which huge amounts of adrenaline rendered powerless, the midwife said the magic words: it's time to push.  there's nothing technical about that.  we all understood and jumped into position, which is to say they assigned two nurses to shannon and two to me to make sure i didn't pass out.  i'm only kidding, of course, but only a little bit. 

the point is, i didn't pass out and shannon did push.  for 14 agonizing minutes in which i held every breath with her and pushed until my stomach felt like the red jello shannon ate all day.  and at the end of all that useless effort on my part, and incredible effort on hers, a beautiful human being was born, and lying contentedly on shannon's chest.  he barely cried.  he just seemed to be taking it all in, enjoying his perch near the heart of the one who nurtured and nourished him for all this watery time.  he finally weighed in at 7 pounds 4 ounces and 19.5 inches long  and his head was some number of centimeters around.  but our hearts were so big they felt like they would explode, like our own kind of waters were about to burst forth into tears.  it was breathtaking and overwhelming and simply perfect.  after some discussion, we finally landed on the name that seemed to fit him best: Quinton Edward Milinovich.  Quin is red-haired right now, with really long big toes and the smell of an angel.  he cries in short bursts, then settles back into his content happiness.  he hasn't even been here a day yet, but he seems to think that this world isn't all that bad, and might be worth checking out. 

i thought i'd share a few pictures for those who are waiting to see them.  may not get to post much in the immediate future as i try to find some misplaced sleep, which i left somewhere on the third floor of the hospital.  in the meantime, please know that we consider ourselves abundantly blessed by all of your expressions of love and celebration with us.  the joy is everything.  it's just everything.  hallelujah.

birth day

well, the day is finally here.  Christmas in july?  yes, but that's not what i'm thinking of.  today is the day our baby boy will discover both the shock of air in the lungs and the comfort of a warm embrace paired with a million kisses on the head.  today is birth day.  today i'll be doing my best not to pass out in the hospital while shannon tries to give birth to a human being.  hey, we each have our mountains to climb, right?  anyway, we hope to have some pictures and stories to share with you soon, but in the meantime i'll use twitter or facebook to keep you updated, so stay tuned if you really want to know how many inches shannon's cervix is dialated and other bits of TMI. 

happy christmas in july to us, as we recieve the greatest gift we could possibly imagine. 

saturday song: baby baby

well, for your saturday song on this day - our official due date - i give you a song with the title that describes our reality right now: baby baby.  if you're an old school christian pop fan then this video is more than just a simple love song in which amy grant looks like she raided the wardrobe room of "friends."  it is actually an important part of the process of "crossover" not just for amy grant's career, but for Christian pop music.  depending on which side of that you are on, this is either groundbreaking or the start of a slippery slope.  either way, nothing beats watching her roll an orange across the floor (is there anything more romantic than that?) and wear knee lenngth, shoulder-padded jackets. 

baby, baby. 

ps.  if we don't go into labor this weekend, the induction is scheduled for monday morning, for those wanting to know. 

due

well, today is the 22nd of july, which means, first of all that it is my gorgeous neice's first birthday (happy birthday, amelia!), but it also means that we are expecting a birth in our family anytime now.  our due date is tomorrow, july 23rd, and so we are ready to roll.  we've got our bags packed.  shannon found a helpful list that had all the things for the parents to bring to the hospital.  the list for the woman was about 47 items long.  the list for the daddy?  deodorant.  toothpaste/toothbrush.  that was it.  not even a change of clothes.  i guess the dad is an afterthought by this point. 

but we've been thinking plenty about all of this.  we say we're ready, but as i sat here in a dark and quiet house last night after everyone else was sleeping, i wondered if we're really ready for the screeching sound of a screaming child to fill our hallway.  ready or not....

here are some recent pics of the glowing mommy:

and now we have 1 day left.  one day!  shannon's been late both times before (she's always late, but that's a different story), so we have no reason to expect this to be different.  they will probably induce her sometime early next week.  but one way or another, this baby is close to joining this crazy world. 

can't wait to meet you, little guy.  to hold your tiny trembling body and smell your soft head.  can't wait to be among the first of many in your life to assure you that it's going to be alright.  can't wait to hold you close to my chest so you can feel the warmth and the closeness.  can't wait to change your terribly rank diapers every 15 minutes.  okay, that i can wait for, but the rest, well, it'll all be worth it.  you've got a strange dad you're about to meet, two very energetic older brothers, and an amazing mommy, and you'll find that no one could love you like we do.  you'll be adored, little man.  so come on and join us.  we've got to clean you off and show you around, not to mention give you a name and take a bazillion pictures of you.  your'e going to love it.  and so are we.  see you soon. 

candy coating

this sunday i preached on part of romans chapter 8 in which paul talks about how even though we do suffer now, it pales in comparison with the glory that is to come.  actually, he says, "i consider that the present sufferings are not even worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us." 

i love that.

one thing you probably can't accuse paul of doing is candy-coating reality.  and i love that about him.  in many of our churches today paul would likely have some trouble fitting in.  i just don't think he'd be willing to play the game where we all pretend like everything is wonderful.  paul was very familiar with suffering, and he wasn't interested in hiding it.  he wasn't one to paint on a good Christian smile while his pain lurked behind the curtain.  "everything is wonderful," that guy says, while he spends his days in a stupor, just looking for the energy to get out of bed each morning.  when someone sees a clue or a hint of the pain below the surface, the pain which is causing him to live in fear, in isolation, in doubt, and in despair, he lashes out with, "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" 

we are candy coaters sometimes.  we don't want to admit that we're broken.  that we're sinners.  that we're alcoholics and adulterers and gossips and in debt up to our eyeballs.  we would rather pretend like we living our best life now. 

but we're not.  we're broken at our best, and paul knows it.  he frequently writes about it, but in this text he makes a bold claim: that the pain of our brokenness is nothing - nothing - compared to the glory of wholeness and healing which is ours in Jesus.  we've already tasted this in our salvation, the forgiveness that we have so freely been offered.  it is incredible when we taste of God's mercy.  when we become convinced of the inability of anything in all creation to separate us from God's love, we discover a new way of living that isn't based in brokenness and founded in fear. 

and yet, we still live in brokenness, don't we?  loved ones die.  the doctor says 'cancer.'  the pink slip arrives.  the car is totaled.  the bad habit we thought we kicked comes back.  we lash out in anger and say something awful that we can't take back.  and on and on it goes. 

but Paul wants us to know that there is good news for us, yet!  the pain we are experiencing now is like labor pain, he says.  we are groaning in pain for the delivery of a new day when there will be no more suffering or pain: just glory.  and that is our hope - our only hope.  that Jesus, who has forgiven us and loved us and called us his children, will also fully redeem all of creation and our bodies and all that was originally made and called 'good.'  that's our hope.  and if we have it, it changes everything. 

it doesn't take away the pain.  it doesn't get rid of cancer or pay the bills.  but it does give us the strength we need to face the struggles and the pain of our days.  it doesn't make life easy, but it does make life rich and abundant.  it doesn't make us comfortable, but it does make us contagious with joy.  it doesn't ask us to candy coat our suffering and pretend away our pain, but it does call us to live each moment in the conviction that we are living for something more, something deeper, something fuller.  it calls us to live with joy and light, even in the face of darkness, because we know the end of the story:  love wins.

and so, i am challenging myself and my family and my church, and you, dear reader, to find ways to rediscover hope.  in the midst of all that discourages you, find a way to remember that what we are dealing with now isn't even worth comparing with what is to come.  we must cling to that hope, and find ways to share it with our neighbors.  if Christianity isn't offering hope in the midst of natural disasters and economic recessions and political frustration, then what are we offering? 

the hunger games

you finish the last page, and then you put a book down and get back to the things you've been neglecting since you started reading.  that's usually how it goes when you finish a work of fiction.  if you weren't particularly impressed with the book, you're likely glad it's over.  if you hated the ending, you're angry for awhile.  if you loved it, you wish it didn't have to end, but life beckons anyway, and you can't keep staying up until 3am reading "one more chapter" when you have to get up for work the next morning.  in any case, you finish a book and take it back to the library or put it on the bookshelf and that's basically the end of it.

at least for me.  in fact, if you're anything like me, it's even worse than that.  i have an overactive forgetting gland,so give a me a month or two and i will likely completely forget the plot and the characters. it will almost be like i never read it.  this is one of my least favorite features of myself, but i deal with it.  usually. 

but this book has been a little different.  i mean, i just finished it, so it's a little hard to say, but i can already tell that the post-reading experience has been unusual.  i can't stop thinking about it.

i'm talking about suzanne collins' work of young adult fiction called "the hunger games."  yes, it's for young adults (what are trying to say, anyway?).  yes, it could have used a better copy editor.  yes, it read at times more like an action movie than a story with characters.  but (and this is a huge but), the concept of the novel and the page-turning way in which it was told more than makes up for whatever weaknesses it may have.  and it's that concept: a future world in which north america is now a country called pan em, broken into 13 (um, make that 12) districts that mostly work and live in poverty while the leaders sit in a city in the rocky mountains at a city called "the capital" in comfort, luxury, and abundance.  collins tells a story about the hunger games, an annual event held by the capital in which each district is forced to send two "tributes" - a boy and a girl - to the capital for a free-for-all fight to the death that is televised and watched.  it's sort of like big brother, mixed with survivor (on steroids) and the truman show.  and the effects are, at least for me, sobering and staying.

i'm not going to go any further into the plot or the ending here.  you can read it for yourself (in fact, i encourage you to).  but i do want to say that since i have closed the cover and put it back on the nightstand, i haven't been able to shake it's images from my mind.  as i'm flipping through the channels the other night, i come across a show on the food network pitting a group of 4 women against a group of 4 men in an eating contest, in which they had to be the first team to eat a huge piece of meat and several large side dishes.  the women won.  and everyone was entertained.  oh, and elsewhere, people kept dying of starvation. 

in a world where we continue to wrestle with the reality of the richer getting richer and the poorer getting poorer, not to mention the questions we're asking about the role of government and the issues of security vs. freedom, this book and the questions it allows the reader to ask about our current world and how different it is or isn't from pan em, should be required reading, i think. 

ironically, next year hollywood will make a movie version of it, and the richest 2 or 3 percent of the world will slap down millions of dollars to eat a jumbo popcorn and drink a soda the size of a loaf of bread to be entertained by it.  but i hope some will accept the challenge to think a little deeper about this story, and wrestle with the important questions that will help us avoid allowing this (or something like it) to become our story. 

saturday song: july

now that i'm back in the swing of this blogging thing, i'm back to offering up some saturday songs.  this week, since we are in the thick of july, i thought i'd share this song called "july" from a great band from pennsylvania, called the innocence mission.  they are one of my favorite artists to chill out to, and i think you'll see why.  once again, this video is just something that someone put with the music and put on you tube, so it is not an official video.  just some weird looking waterfalls flowing backwards.  but the song is excellent.  lyrics below. 



This barren July


We both wake up so dry

That no more tears can leave us.

And all we've found

Are roads we can't go down,

Eyes on a day we can't see.

I hope it comes.

I hope that water comes

And drenches us in our clothes.

The world at night

Has seen the greatest light.

Too much light to deny.



You never know,

You never really know.

And you can't have people figured out.

One friend came in

Out of nowhere, with lit

Sparklers in both her hands for me,

And saved the day

When I had run away

To envy and black feelings.

And the world at night

Could see the greatest light.

Too much light to deny.



July, July,

The man I love and I

Will lift our heads together.

July, July,

I've seen the greatest light.

To much light to deny.

let's go bucs!

yes, another baseball post.  but this one is really fun.  i'm not here to defend my favorite player or celebrate the accomplishments of the richest team in baseball.  no, today i simply want to put down my cracker jacks so that i can stand up and applaud the pittsburgh pirates, those most unlovable losers of recent memory.  i want to let my words shout out, "LET'S GO BUCS!"

i grew up in western pa, listening to pirates broadcasts and praying for hits from rafael belliard, andy van slyke, r.j. reynolds, sid bream and tony pena, just to name a few.  i went to three rivers stadium and cheered for barry bonds before it was cool (and then uncool).  and the pirates were competitive then.  i have fond memories of their playoff runs in the early 90's, even though by then i had moved to kentucky and had to deal with nominal reds fans.  by 1992, i had already begun to foster a deep appreciation for the history of the new york yankees, as well as a great affection for their first baseman, don mattingly, but the buccos were still my number one team. 

then, the strike.  i hated major league baseball for that strike, and i stopped caring. 

until 1998 when all those home runs starting calling me back.  but by then i lived in new jersey and i was able to give some real attention to my american league team while the pirates were in the throws of one of the most embarrassing stretches for any team ever.  and the hardest part to deal with was that it wasn't just on the field, although that was part of it.  it had so much to do with the way the team was run and managed, with decisions that came from the top down; decisions to get rid of certain players and then get rid of more and then, at long last, get rid of even a few more, until all that was left was a crop of young players who would perform moderately well so that they could sell them off next year. 

the pirates became a joke.  and it's basically been that way for 18 years.  eighteen years!  there are people serving in the military who have never been alive for a winning season by the pittsburgh pirates!  that's insane.  and it has made the pirates not only a laughingstock, but also fodder for constant talk about pittsburgh losing the team to another city. 

and then there was 2011.  well, the story goes back further than that, but i don't have the knowledge or time to tell it, and you don't have the interest to read it, but this year the buccos hired a new, no-nonsense manager, and the team finally seems to have the right chemistry, and (i'm crossing my fingers here) a commitment from ownership and management to only make moves to improve the team and give them a better chance to win.  as i type this at the nominal halfway point of the season, the pirates are 47-43, four games over .500 and just one game out of first place in the national league central division.  if you haven't really been following baseball this year, feel free to spew your coffee and bagel across the room at this time.  one game!  for the first time in a generation, pirates fans have a legitimate reason to be excited and enthusiastic.  finally that gem of a baseball park has something fitting to fill it: both an exciting team that is winning and an excited fanbase that is releasing 18 years of pent-up frustration. 

who knows how the rest of the season will play out?  they could taper off, and finish off below .500 again.  or they could keep it up and stay competitive in the division (especially if the pitching stays strong).  but no matter how it ends up, if the ownership demonstrates (by their actions) that they are really committed to keeping a winning team in pnc park, this team will be exciting to watch in the coming years.  so count me in as one who is on board the pirates' express:  i'm the one digging his old pirate hat out of the back of the closet and shouting "raise the jolly roger!" after each bucco win.  go pirates!

my father's day 2011

i'm about to become a father for the third time, and it reminded me that i should share with you my own father's day joy from this year. 

i love being a father.  there's no question about that.  i hope it works out well for my kids, but it sure has worked out brilliantly for me: i have learned so much about myself, my God, my belief in love, my hope for the future, my wife, my parents and this world we live in just from trying to be a dad to these two boys.  it is truly an adventure, and while there are moments when i really wish i didn't have to deal with some of the details of it, there are other moments that just take my breath away with their holy grace and their unexpected joy.  father's day, then, is a nice little day not only for me to reflect on all of that, but also for my kids to do something to say that i'm not the worst dad, after all.  it was icing on the cake that this year father's day was during our vacation to cape may, nj.  we had an amazingly peaceful vacation, which i'm sure i'll write more about at some other time, but it was really neat to get to spend dad's day with my dad, and with my kids on vacation. 

shannon had interviewed the boys about me, and i thought i would scan in the results and leave them here for you to see.  here is what my boys think about me.....enjoy.

Mr. 3,000

for those of you who don't care about baseball, or who watch so much HGTV that you don't even realize you have ESPN, something exciting happened in baseball this week.  no, i'm not referring to last night's all star game in arizona, which had all the excitement of watching a cactus grow.  no, this was something far less pedestrian. 

on saturday, derek jeter picked up his 3,000th hit.  (also his 3,001st, 3,002nd and 3,003rd, actually).  now this may not mean much to you, if you are not a follower of baseball, or of sports at all.  and even if you are, you might be one of those who hates the "damn yankees" and thinks that derek jeter is conceited, spoiled, entitled, privileged and overrated.  or you may just be a casual fan who doesn't care all that much but grew quickly tired of all the media coverage this milestone yielded.  i don't blame you.  but i do think it was appropriate for baseball fans to stand up for derek jeter and tip their hats to him this weekend. 

i've already written on this blog about my opinion of derek jeter as a baseball player.  i made it pretty clear in that post that he is a model teammate and opponent, and that any youngster who wants to learn about sportsmanship, losing gracefully, and playing selflessly would be well-served to study derek jeter as a baseball player.  i don't know how he has done it: playing in the powder keg that is new york yankee baseball, with most of his career being played under the stranglehold of george steinbrenner, and all of it under the microscope of the new york media.  he says the right things and does the right things, and even stays out off the TMZ reports, for the most part. 

look at my beloved pittsburgh steelers for example.  last year ben roethlisberger got in trouble for allegedly giving alcohol to a minor in a georgia bar and then doing God-knows-what with or to her in the bathroom of the bar.  would derek jeter have been in this situation?  never.  not in a million years.  i'm not saying derek jeter is a better or more moral person than roethlisberger, just that jeter has this incredible ability to make better decisions, it seems.  on saturday, the day jeter got his 3,000th hit (a home run, as an exclamation point!) i heard the news that hines ward (my favorite football player ever) had been arrested for drunk driving.  terrible, terrible decision making on his part.  with all the spotlight and all the pressure on him since he was 19, we've just never seen derek do this.  maybe its because his parents are at just about every home game.  or maybe its because he cares about succeeding so much that he doesn't want to do anything - anything - that would be a distraction to his team. 

today i woke up to the news that james harrison, the fierce and mean linebacker for the steelers said some really awful and harsh things about commissioner goodell in a magazine that came out today.  he may be punished, and other steelers are going to have to answer questions about this whole situation if and when the season ever starts.  when they should be worrying about learning blitz schemes and how to cover wide receivers, they'll instead be worrying about losing their outside linebacker, and how to defend him to the commish and to the press.  not only that, but he apparently said some questionable things about his starting qb, too, which can't help team chemistry.  unfortunately, this type of thing is more and more common in sports these days, and while it understand that being mean is his shtick, and that it helps him with his preparation and intensity, it doesn't serve the team overall as well as being a professional and keeping your mouth shut. 

like derek jeter.  he just talks about doing whatever he can for the team, never giving them anything juicy to sell papers.  he just quietly puts on his uniform, day after day, and does everything in his power to help his team win.  including not saying stuff about his teammates in the newspaper.  including not driving home drunk at 3 in the  morning.  including not getting arrested. 

he's not a hero, i'm sure.  i don't know what he does with his private time, but i can imagine that an entitled, rich athlete who's always had everything handed to him on a gold plate is probably full of all kinds of ugly excess.  but if you are looking for someone to applaud who plays the game with integrity and commitment, while treating others (teammates or not) with grace, then look no further than derek jeter, who has been doing it for a long time. 

congrats, derek jeter.  it's' too bad so many people hate you just because you're a yankee, because i think little league dads, soccer moms, and professional athletes all over this country could really learn so much from you about what it means to play the game.  thanks for setting a good example. 

more father than farmer

well, just as i was "rediscovering" my voice last week, life hit me with a curveball right in the larynx, and i lost it again.  ouch.

thanks for the patience.

this has been a strange summer for me, and it doesn't figure to get any more normal with the birth of our third son two-ish weeks away.  it's been a blast, don't get me wrong, but there's also been no routine to it, and i feel like i have some sort of schedule vertigo.  i barely know what day it is, and when i do look at the calendar it appears to be spinning in circles around july 23rd (the due date).  maybe august will be a bit more regular?  probably not.

in the meantime, i keep trying to maintain as many of the rhythms of my days and weeks as i can.  i preached this week, for example, which is a good thing since it is my job!  i preached on the parable of the sower from matthew 13.  i preached on an angle of the story that i hadn't really invested much thought in before: the sower is terrible at sowing.  i mean, just look at what he does!  he takes large handfuls of seed (a fairly precious resource which costs to acquire) and seems to be just tossing them aimlessly about.  how else does some of the seed end up on the road?  (any farmer would tell you that you've got to be a bit more careful with your seed than that).  some of this sower's seed ends up in the gravel, where it has no chance.  and still more of it ends up in the weeds and thornbushes. this is absurd!  we sometimes miss this when we hear the story, but we ought to be surprised at how bad, how wasteful, how careless the sower is.  i mean, what kind of sower is this?

and then later in matthew 13 Jesus tells us exactly what kind of sower it is.  it's God.  wait, what?  really?  this amateur seed-planter is supposed to be God?  (here is where the parable turns our expectations upside down, as parables do).  why is God so bad at sowing seed?  why wouldn't God find the good ground, clear any weeds and debris, till the ground, plant the seeds and then water that particular area, to ensure a healthy crop? 

here's why:  because that's not how God's extravagant love works.  God loves each and everyone of us.  not just the ones who are ready to respond.  not just the ones who do good things or go to church.  not just the ones who say the right things.  God pours out abundant life on all God's children, whether we look ready for it or not, even though we don't deserve it.  God isn't waiting for us to get our stuff together, or to finally get over our bad habits or perpetual sin.  God isn't waiting until we get out of debt, or finally start reading our bible.  God isn't waiting for the soil of our lives to finally be suitable for seed-growing.  God is just throwing seeds of love and truth and grace at us with indiscriminate extravagance all the time. 

how are we receiving it? 

because if we think we already know what we need to know, or if we are trying to manage on our own, or if we are too distracted to notice, then we are like the road, the gravel, and the thornbushes.  what God is recklessly planting in us has no chance to become a part of us.  but if we are open to it; if we are willing to receive new ideas and fresh questions; if we are open to different directions and possibilities; if we dare to risk being loved completely, in all our brokenness, then we will find seeds of hope and joy and life and peace germinating and taking root in our lives in unexpected ways because the One who is more father than farmer is planting all this in us like we're the only ground that matters. 

how will i receive it?

God of the planting the growing,
thank you for your extravagant love, which even now is pouring over me.  if you had waited until i was ready to receive or understand it, you would never have given it.  but because you are such a reckless sower, i am covered in growing grace.  forgive me for the ways in which the soil of my life is still too dry, too rocky, and too thorny.  help me to be open to whatever you offer me, to be diligent and persistent in sticking with you, and to cut down the distractions that choke out my life.  amen.

my voice

i originally intended to take about a week or so off from blogging.  as it turns out, i guess i needed a little longer.  part of the reason, as some of you know, is that i was away on a vacation to the jersey shore, and then a short camping trip following that.  still, i had my blackberry, so i could have easily updated the blog (and facebook and twitter), but i was resolute in my feeling that i needed some time off the grid.  i needed to shut my mouth for a moment and just listen.  i don't want to blog just because i always have.  i want to have a reason, and i wasn't sure anymore what that reason was. 

so i needed some time to listen again and remember why i started in the first place. 

sure, part of why i blog is just to stay connected.  it is important to me to stay connected this way.  i hear so many people complain so much about staying connected in our day and age.  i hear complaints about facebook and about smart phones and how email and social media keep us too connected and too enslaved to our technology and so forth.  i'm always a bit perplexed when people start into that rant, however, because i don't identify with it.  i love being connected.  maybe it's the innate need for community in me, or maybe its the inner exhibitionist, or both, but i find satisfaction in the connections afforded to me by the screen in front of me. 

but staying connected is not my primary focus.  it's not why i started the blog.  i started because i felt like i had something to say.  like a boiling pot with the lid on, i felt like i would burst if i didn't let it out somewhere.  it's never really been about how many people read it (if it were, i would have stopped some time ago), but about the saying of the thing.  if someone reads it and interacts with it, that is a beautiful accident, as far as i'm concerned.  i just wanted to write. 

last week, during my blogging hiatus, i watched a wonderful film that i'm sure you've seen (parenthood has caused me to resign myself to being the last person to see any film), the king's speech.  it was one of those movies that after watching it, i wanted to watch every last minute of the extras to somehow keep the story alive.  i loved it.  but more than just entertain me, the film also challenged me to consider what is my voice, and how i might use it. 

which brings me back to my blog.  sometimes, in the middle of a post about the steelers, or on a random wednesday, there's a little voice in the back of my brain that whispers dubiously to me, "why are you wasting your time doing this?  nobody cares.  nobody reads it.  it doesn't really even matter to anybody.  there's more important things you could be doing."  and sometimes this voice really gets to me.  i believe it.  and while it is true that there are probably more important things i could be doing (aren't there always?), this seems to be the thing that i am supposed to do - that one place where my gifts seem to find their sweet spot, so to speak.  it is my voice.  and i feel called to use it.  and although you may not care about the steelers or radiohead's newest album, i have to remind myself from time to time that "the earth is the Lord's and everything that is in it."  in other words, the fact that i write about everything from baseball to bluegrass to bad theology belies my bedrock belief that all of life is sacred.  all of it.  there is a holiness to this wild existence that i refuse to lock up in the cages of the christian subculture, or confine to the limited language of religion.  there is opportunity to meet God and live the abundant life God promises in all the nooks and crannies of life, and that is the story i feel called to tell.  that is how i am supposed to use my voice.

and so i am back.  not in black, but in orange (i suppose).  actually, i'm still wrestling with the name of this blog and what i would change it to.  in any case, if you're reading, i'm glad you are here, and i hope and pray you hear something that inspires you or makes you mad or comforts you or challenges you or makes you think or makes you laugh or makes you talk to someone else about it.  i hope it makes you dream.  i hope it makes you want to use your own voice.